DEATH VALLEY DRIVER VIDEO REVIEW – ISSUE #180

Posted on September 4, 2017 10:52 AM by Phil

RIPPA~! unearths the greatest thing DEAN~! has ever written~! FORTY~! men in a Royal Rumble is about TWENTY~! people too many~! FIT FINLAY~! kicks the shit out of JOHNNY SWINGER~! KOJI KITOA~! sucks~! RUSSIA~! is weird~! PRESTON MOTHERFUCKING QUINN~! ALEX WRIGHT~! SANDMAN~! TEXAS TERMINATOR HOSS~!

WELCOME TO DEATH VALLEY DRIVER VIDEO REVIEW #180

HOLA~!

There are some really fucking old reviews in this issue as life and laziness have happened. The Royal Rumble review might feel more dated than any of Dean’s 20 year old reviews I found. I wrote that pre-Mania and it feels like another lifetime ago.

We still bring the funny and, I don’t want to oversell this, but the “Worst International Wrestlers” list I found if probably my favorite wacky Dean thing ever.

On with the show.

~!~

WWE ROYAL RUMBLE 2011 (01/30/11)

(by PHIL RIPPA)

Another payolla review as Dolfan got irritated with me for some reason so he paid for my pain.

I can suffer through most terrible shows. I have already suffered through this once in fact. The problem is suffering through the fucking announcers again. Lawler and Cole are in the middle of their feud with Cole leaning towards full fledge heeldom. That wasn’t good then and still isn’t. Then to make matters worse – Matt Fucking Stryker is the third mic. Grr….

EDGE vs. DOLPH ZIGGLER – World Heavyweight Championship

To say Edge is over with the Boston crowd would be an understatement. Maybe the fans lost their zeal for the product when they became the Universe.

Okay – Vicki Guerrero is the acting Smackdown GM. On the go home Smackdown before the show – Edge pinned Ziggler clean after a spear. Guerrero then said the spear was banned at the Rumble. So Edge speared Ziggler three more times. So what is the point of this match then (outside of forcing me to watch a Dolph Ziggler match)???

I do like Vicki saying the spear was “dangerous”. I am going to file that under shoot comments that weren’t meant to be shoot comments.

Someone has a “Hire Akira Tozawa” sign. In 2011. They listened to you buddy! Just wait 5 years! It gets better!

I really am not a Dolph Ziggler fan but he can be fine against the right opponent. Nearly retired Edge is not the right opponent. He wildly vacillates between the only two modes he knows – “laying around sleep selling” or “Shawn Michaels Super Happy Over the Top selling”. Neither is appropriate and he needs a vet to settle him down (I should clarify I mean a veteran wrestler and not a veterinarian… though I am not opposed to the idea of Ziggler being neutered.) Edge, however, is more than happy to be all “You do you – I am too old for this shit.” Especially when you are asking crippled Edge to fill over 20 minutes.

There is a LOOOOOONNNNNNNGGGGGG period of Dolph working over Edge’s neck since Edge is clearly nearing the end and can’t do much and they were told “Well you gotta fill over 20 minutes. Good Luck!” I mean it isn’t as bad as the “Randy Orton Chinlock” break that will occur in the next match but it wasn’t necessarily good either.

Lord is the finish Sports Entertainy and full of so much horse shit.

First – Vickie keeps blatantly interfering which doesn’t result in a DQ because of reasons. On the 2nd set of interfering – Kelly Kelly comes down and lays out Vickie. I am sure there were Smackdown related reasons and I am sure none of them were good outside of having Lawler jiz over Kelly. The distraction leads to Edge rolling up Ziggler for the pin. DEADLIEST FINISHER IN THE WWE~! Oh Wait… Ziggler kicks out at the last second and then immediately puts on a sleeper because of course he does. They needed this spot so they could get to the ref bump so Edge could use the spear that you knew he would (at least it got the crowd pop they wanted). Edge uses the Unprettier in a shout out to his homie for the win.

Why Vickie didn’t spend the entire match just trying to taunt Edge into using the Spear is beyond me. Instead she gambled on not getting DQed – though to be fair she was correct on that account.

THE MIZ vs. RANDY ORTON – WWE Championship

This is some weird ass card layout. Start with both world titles.

For those that are only realizing how great a fucking heel Miz is now go back and watch this reign. He already knew how to be the most hateable man in wrestling. The wrestling part is what finally caught up recently. This point in time is when everyone shits on Miz as being unworthy as champ. (Starting with Angry Miz Girl from the moment he cashed in the Money in the Bank briefcase on Orton.)

The match is basically unwatchable with the sound on as, again, Cole is in Miz fanboy mode. So lots of screaming back and forth between him and Lawler. Meanwhile – Stryker is fucking Stryker and just does things like describes what a RKO is (managing to make it seem like the most boring move in the history of moves). There is also a section where they talk about Donald Trump and the Apprentice all because Vince wants to give a shout out. THAT is the moment when I realized Dolfan truly is not my friend.

Another match with a horse shit finish – though this one made sense in building to the Mania direction they wanted to go. (Basically – the New Nexus all runs out and during the confusion CM Punk hits a GTS on Orton so Miz can win because refs are stupid or something.)

This was unnecessarily long. Fuck Randy Orton

Because they needed to stuff their entire roster in the Rumble – they don’t have enough folks for more matches so time filler time. Here he is recapping Cody Rhodes claiming to have his nose broken by Rey Misterio Jr and then they air the world’s safest 619 about eight times.

NATALYA vs. EVE TORRES vs. LAYLA vs. MICHELLE MCCOOL – WWE DIVAS CHAMPIONSHIP

Oh wait… this is only a three match card before the Rumble. So ignore the match layout comment. WOMEN’S REVOLUTION~! Oh wait that isn’t a thing in 2011. 2011 thing is a Fatal Four Way with a title change that barely lasts 5 minutes. So Nattie’s only title reign ends after three months when she isn’t pinned to lose (that was Eve pinning Layla). The only people with shorter reigns than her are Alicia Fox and Jillian Hall. Maybe she should be talking about that on Smackdown Live.

Even better BTW – is that Eve Torres isn’t in the match originally. It is supposed to LayCool vs. Natalya in a handicap match but then the Anonymous GM (because we always wanna remember that) makes it a Fatal Four Way. The highlight of all of this is the fan yelling “YOU CAN’T DO THAT COLE!” as he read the GM announcement.

If I truly was good at my job – I would point out that Michelle McCool got hosed as she had Natalya pinned at the same time as Eve was pinning Layla but I am not good at my job.

More filler as we have a Daniel Bryan is fucking Gail Kim and both Bellas segment. I am not quite sure what happened because my wife asked me which Bella was the one Bryan was married too and since Nikki didn’t have the boob job at this point in time nor did Brie pull down her britches to show off the tattoos on her hootenanny – it took far longer than it should have.

2011 ROYAL RUMBLE MATCH

Fucking hell this is gonna suck and there really is no good way to do this. Let’s just dive right in and you, gentle reader, will be able to debate the exactly moment I lose my will to live.

1) CM Punk

Punk is greeted by the Corre so the New Nexus charges out and a brawl breaks out. 40 fucking man Rumble and we need to delay the start so we can get more Anonymous GM shit. While – Michael Cole yells I laugh that Ezekizl Jackson is blown the fuck up from just charging the ring.

2) Daniel Bryan

Bryan is the US Champion and of course he comes out second because he (and Punk) are like two of the three people in the roster who could handle working more than 20 minutes

FUCK ALL YOU FUCKING ANNOUNCERS IN YOUR FUCKING ASSHOLES!!!! (No I am not quite sure what I was yelling about here but I stand by it.)

3) Justin Gabriel

Gabriel getting his cardio in as this is now the third or fourth time in this show that he has been up and down the aisle. And he promptly misses a 450 and gets eliminated by Bryan. So add another trip to the ledger.

4) Zack Ryder

Ryder comes out right after Gabriel, hits one move and the gets tossed by Bryan. Whoo! Whoo! Whoops! Back to Youtube for you quasi-young Ryder.

5) William Regal

Are these intentional one minute intervals? Did they even announce what the intervals were? I am working under the assumption that is is the usual “whenever they fucking feel like it”. Anyway – Bryan and Punk can’t hide their throbbing erections from working with Regal and they let him get all his shit in on him. And then Regal and Bryan just beat the hell out of each other with European uppercuts. This will be the highlight of the Rumble.

6) Ted Dibiase Jr

Oh Teddy – what could have been. At least you had the most unconvincing relationship with Maryse. It basically came off like me pretending to have a relationship with Maryse.

7) John Morrison

40 man fucking Rumble yet we have to hot shot Morrison’s “Nope – not eliminated spot” as Regal shoves him off the apron and Morrison clings to the ring barrier. Regal is eliminated in the meantime while Cole yells PARKOUR!!!! two thousand times and all I want to do is find Damien Walters and David Belle and club them like harp seals.

Blah blah blah – Morrison leaps onto the ring stairs and is still in the match.

8) Yoshi Tatsu

It’s okay Yoshi – it is a Battle Royal. You can hide your suck and no one will care. But just in case – PROTECT YA NECK~!

9) Husky Harris

The man who would be Bray Wyatt jiggles his way down to the ring and establishes the story that New Nexus members are working to get Punk the win as he protects Punk (and gives Punk an unintentional stink face. Clearly, he is on Phil’s list for life now. )

10) Chavo Guerrero Jr

Chavo comes down and does a bunch of Three Amigos for a cheap pop

11) Mark Henry

If I was watching this live, this would have been the moment when I would be losing my shit. Henry comes out and immediately eliminates Chavo and Yoshi Tatsu to massive pops. PAY YOUR AIRBILLS BITCHES~!

12) JTG

JTG answers the call (That’s right – I made the joke. Deal with it fuckers) at #12.

13) Michael McGuillicty

At this moment in time – I am thankful Joe Hennig changed his name because Curtis Axel is a lot fucking easier to type out. Anyway – at his hands – JTG is dumped and Dibiase Jr suffers the same fate (with help from Husky Harris)

14) Chris Masters

Masters instantly applies the Masterlock to Punk and we get a spot where Punk is almost eliminated. I think Axel makes the save but I have already forgotten. Maybe this is all a fever dream.

15) David Otunga

I am shocked – SHOCKED – that all these New Nexus members are getting in the ring together. So they eliminate everyone in the ring so settle in for the Angle Alert

16) Tyler Reks

Tyler Reks being an idiot just charges into the ring and gets dumped

17) Vladmir Kozlov

Kozlov is even dumber than Reks. He gets to be tossed by Punk and his puffy nipples.

18) R-Truth

Well R-Truth was never accused of being smart. LOOK MA! I AM IN THE RUMBLE!!!!

Vince finally figures out that this looks really stupid and at least starts feeding the announcers lines like “Why are going just charging right into the ring?”

19) Great Khali

At least Punk sells concern and Khali can’t exactly get to the ring quickly. So since Khali needs to be kept strong he takes out all the New Nexus in the ring and even eliminates Husky Harris. What’s this you say? Another underwhelming Bray Wyatt PPV performance?

20) Mason Ryan

Mason Ryan brings the New Nexus count right back to five. Man – that was unbelievable. Things like that NEVER happen in wrestling. Ryan and Khali have the ugliest Hoss fight in wrestling history before Ryan is allowed to eliminate him.

21) Booker T

The place EXPLODES for Booker and as he runs through all his high spots and they are going wild. And it is great for the folks in Boston especially because they don’t have to listen to Stryker yell his infamous “I AM MARKING OUT!!!!!” line and then promptly try to pull his foreskin over his forehead for the next two minutes. So yeah – those not watching this in the building wanted to light said building on fire.

Now is a good time though to interject a little story time.

My wife is sitting reading while I am reviewing this so she is passively watching. She knows Booker T only from seeing him on the kickoff shows when I have that on and realizes that he is an idiot. Anyway, Booker T comes out and I catch her paying attention to the entire segment and when Booker is eliminated by Punk I just hear her go “Aww…..”

So – for better and for worse – that is why Vince keeps using Attitude era guys.

22) John Cena

Punk is yelling “I’M GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA!!!!” and Cole just conveniently drops “NO ONE WILL STOP CM PUNK NOW!!!!” when the trumpets hit and ARENA NAME HERE loses its God Damn mind.

(Let me pull back the DVDVR curtain for a moment. I know it was in the Boston Garden. I put in the placeholder so I could remember to make sure I had that correct. But then I was like “Well that is fucking funnier?” However, I knew one of you fuckers would be all IT WAS BOSTON GARDEN YOU DUMB SON OF A BITCH! LARRY BIRD RULZ~! I figured I at least needed to through in a disclaimer. You did this to yourselves.)

It takes Cena about 20 seconds to literally kill the New Nexus. Both in this match and for the gimmick

23) Hornswoggle

Since the New Nexus is gone we get back to the wacky with Swoggle waddling out. Punk immediately kicks him in the face “HOW DARE YOU ASK ME FOR A PHONE NUMBER!!!!”

Cena AAs Punk over the top so it is time to make sure we protect the 2nd most person in the fed apparently – Hornswoggle

24) Tyson Kidd

Poor poor Tyson Kidd. Has to sell all of Hornswoggle’s offense and then gets dumped by Cena. At least he didn’t get his neck broken. HORNSWOGGLE SAFER THAN SAMOA JOE!

25) Heath Slater

Cena gets to work on buying the Corre as now Slater has to sell and get eliminated. So we are now in our SECOND guys get eliminated one at time segment of this Rumble

26) Kofi Kingston

Kingston is the IC champ at the time and gets pyro for some reason. The good news for Kofi is that he is the first of the “Well we need to fill the ring back up with guys” run.

27) Jack Swagger

Swagger – still not released from the company – comes in gets some offense in because he too has to fall victim to more Hornswoggle comedy. Keep stealing spots Swoggle. You are no Gran Naniwa

28) Sheamus

So who do you call when you want to kick an annoying person in the face? Why Sheamus of course. Sheamus is the one to finally eliminate Hornswoggle by Brogue Kicking him off the top rope. Heck – Swoggle basically looked like Enzo and deserved to get kicked in the face

29) Rey Misterio Jr

Hey! Double digit number for Rey Jr. I guess you could make a chart where as Rey’s entry number gets higher his knees get shittier.

30) Wade Barrett

Now what they should have done is have someone – ANYONE – be the sole survivor right here because you could have run the angle that I WOULD WON IF IT WAS NORMAL RUMBLE!!! Alas – that isn’t what happened.

31) Dolph Ziggler

Ziggler does a better job selling his injuries in this match than he did during the actual match he sustained them in. We also establish the precedent of if you lose a title match earlier in the show you can enter the Rumble. AJ STYLES WAS ROBBED!!!

32) DIESEL

The moment that got Kevin Nash rehired to the WWE. Fucking Boston. I guess it could be worse. Instead of “Let’s Go Diesel” they could be cheering “YOU DESERVE IT!” or “YOU STILL GOT IT!”

33) Drew McIntyre

McIntyre/Galloway doesn’t get eliminated before number #34 so that is a win for him considering how his entire 1st WWE run went.

34) Alex Riley

If the announcing wasn’t insufferable enough – Miz joins the crew and it isn’t because Miz is there – it is because Cole goes into Miz Fan Boy mode and everyone starts screaming over each other while not calling the match. Basically – the fiasco that was the TNA/IMPACT/AWE was done first by the WWE six years earlier

35) Big Show

SHOW IS TALLER THAN DIESEL. IGNORE THAT THIS ISN’T TRUE!!! BUT IT IS THE NARRATIVE WE WANT TO TELL!!! Show starts eliminating the flotsam and jetsam of the match.

36) Ezekial Jackson

Okay – this is where I need to write a little out of order. Jackson comes down, eliminates Show because of course he does and flexes a bunch because you need the reminder that the WWE drug testing is a sham.

NOW HERE IS THE GREATEST PART OF THIS MATCH.

Seconds before Jackson’s spot hit – Show eliminates Dolph Ziggler. No Big Deal. But as that is happening you see in the background that John Cena, Kofi Kingston and Alex Riley are fussing about in the corner. Cena and Kofi gently place Riley on the ring apron (over the top rope). Honestly – I don’t think I have seen anyone be more cautious in a Battle Royal in making sure a guy stayed on the ring apron. Except – Riley – King Fucking Doofus that he is – stands there for a second and then just flops off. I should point out that the meathead wasn’t supposed to be eliminated then (since he played into Cena getting dumped).

It is glorious as Cena and Kofi just stare at him like “What the fuck???” The announcers don’t say anything – heck I am not even sure they realize it yet. The only people who react are only that side of the arena who believe Riley is eliminated from the match. So yeah – watching the panic as everyone tries to plot a new path from Point A to Point B is great. Wait for the part where Miz goes “ALEX RILEY IS BEING SO SMART!!!” and Lawler goes “Wait… where is Alex Riley???” and then just dead silence.

37) Santino

Basically spent this time watching Mike Chioda race back and forth between Cena and Miz giving them the directions for what the they are going to do. Meanwhile – Santino gets Brogue Kicked and slides out of the ring opposite the hard cam to set up the finish

38) Alberto Del Rio

Del Rio drives in a Bentley because his entrance needs to fill time. It is during the Zbysko stall of a walk to the ring that they sneak in a “Oh BTW – Alex Riley was eliminated”

39) Randy Orton

See – both challengers can be in the Rumble. FREE AJ!!! Orton lays out Del Rio and then eliminates Kofi Kingston and Sheamus. Then he and Cena get to sign pointing.

40) Kane

Because what would a Rumble be without Kane. Oh that’s right – 2017

Peace out Ezekiel Jackson – Kane needs to pad his total elimination total. Rey Jr counters a chokeslam and eliminates Kane but then gets immediately dumped by Wade Barrett.

Now they are claiming that the Final Four is Cena, Orton, Barret, Del Rio since they don’t want you to remember Santino. More Cena and Orton standoffs. The match has ground to a halt because… reasons.

Finally – Del Rio eats an AA because since he is winning he has to get beat up by everyone. It is at this moment they have Riley charge down to the ring and distract Cena. Miz – who again is not in the contest – slips in and eliminates Cena. Thus setting up their WrestleMania match. Yes I am writing about a battle royal in 2011 and not a battle royal in 2017. Funny how that works.

God – it really is infuriating that (in a kayfabe world) Miz is the only one who takes advantage of this loophole.

And now I am staring at a ring with Wade Barrett, Randy Orton and Alberto Del Rio.

Del Rio wins Whoo-Hoo…

Cue the WWE booking not being able to get out of their own way.

First – let’s recap what happens. So Del Rio is last man standing. Music is playing, bells are ringing, Ricardo is announcing. Santino slowly emerges from the rock he was hiding under as the refs realize he was never eliminated. Boston is going wild because – thank fucking Christ – Del Rio isn’t winning. Santino hits the Cobra… and then celebrates like the goof he is and Del Rio counters his elimination attempt to winning it for reals this time.

So you trivialize Del Rio’s win by running the comedy angle for no reason other to do it AND you make sure to especially piss off the crowd by giving them the exact opposite of what they want.

The surprise winner of the Rumble could and should be done. Especially now what the Mania match with the Rumble winner is like 5th from the top anyway. But for fuck’s sake – it wouldn’t have been that hard to book Santino as the winner and then still get him out of Mania in place of Del Rio. Plus – it isn’t like Santino would have been the worst Rumble winner ever when Big John Studd is right there.

~!~
THE TEN WORST INTERNATIONAL WRESTLERS! DON’T DIG IT!
(Written on May 15, 1998)
~!~

(by DEAN RASMUSSEN)

(Context: From RSPW-Moderate. Someone wrote a list Top 10 Worst Wrestlers and they were all from the US. So Dean was called upon to state who the stinky foreigners were.)

What Cheetah wants, Cheetah gets.  This took a while to figure out because there isn’t as much to choose from when compared to the boatloads of total shit that we have cultivated right here in the good ol’ U.S. of A!  HOOOOO!  And Shinzaki isn’t sucking as much as he used to.  I left out everybody who might have or actually were good when they were young so I left out Ryama GO! just because he might have been good a long time ago and the at-one-time thoroughly awesome Rusher Kimera.

In descending order

10.) TAMON HONDA:

He is SO headbutt-intensive and totally stinky.  Couldn’t even have a really good match against FRICKIN MITSUHARA MISAWA, though they both tried like mofo’s.  Translucence and pastiness of his skin is a plus, but he is so ungood.  No danger, no cool moves, no stoicism, no nothing.  Boy! He really sucks.  Welcome to Tamon Honda’s Big World of Stinkiness.

9.) PERRO AGUAYO:

I use to think that he might have been good when he was young and maybe he just got happy in his old age.  Then I saw his match on the History of the IWGP Jr Heavyweight Title tape and I see that – HEY!- he always sucked.  He gets some consideration because he isn’t afraid to bleed like a frickin pig and he was instrumental in the truly amazingly awesome double turn between Love Machine and Blue Panther.  I never want to see him attempt to wrestle again.  Nope.  Not ever.

8.) HIDO:

He dresses like Jado and Gedo but isn’t actually one of them – luckily for them because they have enough to contend with.  Hido has the honors of making the top ten because 1.) he was in W*ING but he totally SUCKS in death matches (which is the one quality that saves bloodsucking freaks like Nakamaki and Matsunaga from this list – they have been death matches that I have really DUG BUT!  Hido has ruined some great death matches that I have REALLY dug up to that point), 2.) he has NO DISCERNIBLE wrestling skill or idea how to sell or work a match or even BLEED well, and 3.) he’s married to the divine Megumi Kudo so he doesn’t care what anybody says about him anymore and neither would you.  Hell, he probably can’t even drive anymore.  I mean IT’S MEGUMI KUDO.

7.) YONE GENJIN:

Annoying cave-boy gimmick, can’t fly though he is in Michinoku Pro AND frickin EMLL, bad make-up, doesn’t wear shoes, and had a snowball fight with Shinzaki in the ring and I had to watch it.  Go away, you annoying little freak.  Gets points because he DID taking a man-sized ass-kicking from Dick Togo once.

6.) OSAMU TACHIHIKARI:

He is the ultimate lumpy WAR heavyweight.  I adore him and all because of the ultimate BIZARRENESS of this guy actually being a wrestler in Japan that has SOMEHOW gotten on a tape that has reached my VCR in Richmond, VA when he should be work as a thyroidally-challenged investment banker in Tokyo, but BOY! is he a bad wrestler.  The problem is that he never pisses me off because he doesn’t ever beat anybody who is better than he is – like when that lazy sack of shit Shinzaki was going over motherfuckin SHIRYU and SUPER DELFIN in succession at one point last year (and yes, All Japan and Kawada saved his sorry ass from this list) so Osamu’s large, large flaws never come to the forefront because you never have any reason to go after him.  He still is a truly horrible wrestler despite my wild love for the man.

5.) GRAN MARKUS:

Really fat but really useless in the ring thus the problem, if you’re gonna be a big fat luchadore, you’ve gotta be up for the comparison’s to Super Boy, Super motherfuckin Astro, and El Brazo de Plata.  Guess where Markus falls in line? Hoo-boy.  Like comparing Jim Niedhart to Shawn Michaels- ringwise.  Has the added problem of wearing REALLY tiny hideous pants and THEN! he went and got unmasked so now we gotta see his ugly mug and his tiny unit.  YEEKS!

4.) CIBERNETICO:

Wrestles EXACTLY like Lex Luger.  But he DOES have one of the coolest masks on earth, and therein lies the rub – why is such a whip ass mask wasted on such a no-talent gas-monster?  Cibernetico is absolutely useless in the ring – he can’t do armdrags, take bumps, do anything. I mean THINK OF LEX LUGER WRESTLING LUCHA LIBRE.  Gets points for doing the most hilarious rudo turn ever – he kept signing autographs and walking around and talking to the crowd while Hermanos Dynamitas were beating the hell out of his partners, Konnan and Perro Aguayo.  But he really stinks. Oh yeah.

3.) CIEN CARAS:

BOY! Cien Caras sucks more than the uninitiated could possibly imagine. Does nothing in the ring.  Worst wrestling rudo on earth – sort of a lethargic Roddy Piper but somehow even worse. Workrate that makes Duggan look like Manami Toyota.  Lacks skill and coolness – the prerequisite to being worthy of me watching you as a rudo in Lucha Libre.  If he is in the promotion that is dominating my viewing at any particular moment, I can get through those tapes hours quicker than if he is pestering some other league with his stinky wrestling.  Sweet God created Fast Forward so I could be spared his crappy attempts at anything.

2.) KOJI KITOA:

Big, fat, boring, lazy, thoroughly shitty wrestling who is worse than you can imagine.  Has shoot gimmick but always gets REALLY killed in anything resembling an actual shoot.  Added hideousness because he is always tagging with his VASTLY more talented protege – Masaato Mochizuki – thus insuring that Mochizuki will always do the job – thus creating the situation where Mochizuki is pinned by John Tenta’s big fat ass to further the re-kindling of the shitty Kitao/Tenta “legit-heat-in-the-back!!!” feud at the expense of the one guy you would actually want to see wrestle ever.  From a ringwork standpoint, Kitoa was in the WORST match ever in the history me being alive and watching wrestling – the Koji Kitoa vs Mabel match from the Samurai TV debut card.  Holy Merciful Crap does he suck.

10.) SHARK TSUCHIYA:

Absolutely godawful.  Everything one can hate about wrestling can be found in Eriko Tsuchiya’s ring performances- no wrestling ability or athletic ability, vast stretches of no-selling, sinister dependence on the need to victimize young pretty wrestlers in a total display of misogynist sadism so degenerate sexual predators can have something to jack off to.  Takes everything that was good and cool about Dump Matsumoto and turns it into something as uplifting and transcendent as Mass Transit vs New Jack in Revere, Massachusetts.  The shittiest wrestler ever in the history of wrestling in my estimation.

Honorable mentions: Andy Barrow, Mr Pogo if he ever unretires again, Mascara Ano 2000, Takayama, Kimala II, if I see one more Magic Man match; Hercules Ayala and Invaders 1,2,3 but I don’t know if they still wrestle. I’d put Fray Tormenta on the list in a minute but he’s a Catholic Priest and I’m afraid I’d go to hell or something if I did, plus he’s spunky in a totally Rufus R “Freight Train” Jones kind of way (See God!  I put him over! Put back those Locusts…)

DAMIEN~!

Dean Rasmussen, Juventudiac!

~!~
RIPPA CLEARS OUT HIS YOUTUBE “WATCH LATER” LIST – WOMEN EDITION
~!~

NIKKI STORM vs. SAMMII JAYNE – ICW (04/03/16 – Loser Leaves ICW)

REASON ON WATCH LIST: I remember bookmarking this when I was posting stuff in the 2016 Matches thread. Plus – knowing it was Nikki Storm’s last non-WWE match and I figured “Well this will be entertaining”.

Hey! I can’t imagine who is going to lose this considering it is Nikki Storm’s last match before starting with the WWE. It is a mystery! Oh – usual warning that this has ICW announcers. Risk your ears at your own peril. Also – for some reason the crowd is really muted as in they lowered the noise of the crowd. So if you ever wanted to watch a match like you had your head in a fish bowl – here ya go.

Sammii Jayne basically is a built like a British Jessicka Havoc though one would presume with less racism. Also more agility. That costs her on multiple occasions. First is when Storm cuts her off mid-tope with a forearm. Problem is that since she was halfway through the ropes and top heavy she proceeds to go straight down and spike herself head first on the floor. The second time was more planned as she misses a double jump moonsault that allows Storm to be on offense.

It has been a long time since I watched a match that seemed to be focused on boob work but here we are as all strikes seemed to be targeted to the chest. I guess that is one way to be safely stiff though I sure as fuck don’t want to be punched in my tits.

Yeah – this is weirdly layed out as Storm is clearly the heel so what we get is a really long heat segment… on Storm. I mean Jayne has a really good big girl offense – one in fact that more people need to steal moves from. (The double jumping knees especially). But yeah – there is very little crowd reaction (of the little we can here) as it is clearly they aren’t really sure how to react.

THEN when Storm goes on offense – she immediately hits her finisher, the Eye of the Storm (a fisherman spinning neckbreaker) and Jayne kicks out (to no reaction) and proceeds to hit her own (better looking) Eye of the Storm which Storm kicks out at one (again to no reaction). I mean they are trying their best and really trying to put over the desperation of not losing this match and no one could give two shits.

Anyway, Jayne his two terrible topes – the second of which might have been a redone spot. She goes for a third but Storm stops it and instead hits a draping Eye of the Storm to the floor which is nasty as fuck all and should have been treated as a death move. Instead, Storm rolls her into the ring, teabags her (okay….) and then hits a draping Eye of the Storm off the top rope and Jayne kicks out because we are so deep into the New Japan playbook right now.

Storm starts to do her crazy act and goes for a top rope Eye of the Storm which Jayne blocks with a kick to the face and then pulls off a poor version of the O-Face for the win. (I guess Nikki wanted to practice having to job to that move.)

This had a lot of flaws but there was also a lot of good to it too. It would have just come off better in front of pretty much any other crowd… or an empty arena.

Storm does an all time great meltdown in putting over losing her job. Temper tantrums are thrown. She keeps trying to break away from security – who is very bad at their jobs. Then there is some grainy footage of Jayne dragging Storm out and throwing her into the back of a car and then driving away. Of course – that lead to more questions than answers and if the fuckers of ICW aren’t gonna care why should I?

~!~

DEONNA PURRAZZO vs. KAREN Q – EXCELLENCE PRO WRESTLING (03/12/16)

REASON ON WATCH LIST: I am old and stupid so remembering why I added things to my watch list will always be a mystery. I am gonna assume that in a match between Purrazzo who I have only seen a couple of times and a women that I literally didn’t know existed before the title of this video that this was recommended by someone on Twitter (and 50/50 that that person was Rip Rogers)

Hey! Karen Q is Asian so I immediately want her to be doing a Maggie Q gimmick though I am not sure exactly how one would pull that off. Also – considering Karen is the complete opposite body type of Maggie (Karen is also Korean while Maggie is Hawaiian with a Vietnamese mother but it is wrestling so ALL LOOK SAME~!)

(All of this was funnier too me before Q started showing up on Women of Honor shows. But none of you watch Women of Honor so let’s pretend this interlude never happened.)

This is a perfectly fun five minutes of an advanced training school match. Basically – if the NXT Youtube channel uploaded this it would fit right in minus it doesn’t have any of the ridiculous running with your knees up cardio shit that the Performance Center trainers LOVE. Purrazzo is good at letting Karen – who might have had a dozen matches at this point in time – get her spots in including a handspring elbow. Each gets a turn to a basic armbar submission and then they blow the Eddie/Malenko sequence they were going for so that will need more work. Oh well – Purrazzo wins via submission as expected.

This would have been like the third best match on the last show I went to.

~!~

LACEY vs. SARA DEL RAY – SHIMMER (06/02/07 – SHMMER Title Tournament Finals)

REASON ON WATCH LIST: I am pretty sure this showed up in my recommendations due to watching a bunch of Del Ray matches at once. Many – I haven’t thought of Lacey in like 15 years when everyone was creepily stalking her. I am terrified to go look up how old she was then and in this match… oof she was basically 18 during the feud with Rain. You fucking perverts. Anyway – Jimmy Jacobs and Austin Aries are nowhere to be found so we got that going for us.

On some levels I kinda dig that SHIMMER waited till Vol 11 and Vol 12 before they rolled out a title but on some levels that might have been waiting a little too long. Who knows? I have changed my mind three times over how I feel about it and I haven’t even finished this obvious space filler paragraph yet. This was a 16 women tournament with Lacey beating Eden Black, Nikki Roxx, Daizee Haze to reach the Finals while Del Ray beat Cindy Rogers, Alicia and “Dark Angel” Sarah Stock. The final is announced as having no time limit and if it wasn’t for the fact that I can see how long this video I would have been positive that this would have gone like 50 minutes just because they could have since Lord did certain promotions really want to do that in the Aughts.

The story that SHIMMER presented to us with this tournament was that this was the establishment of Lacey as a singles competitor thread as she only gained her first SHIMMER singles win the taping before. Everyone she beat in the tournament was someone who beat her previously. Plus they put over have she was smartly able to work her way through the tournament while Cheerleader Melissa had been upset in the first round. And then of course – Del Ray is portrayed as one of, if not, the best woman in SHIMMER at the moment as she had only lost once previous to this. Then top that off with Lacey giving Del Ray everything she could handle and suddenly you are saying to yourself “Jesus – wrestling really doesn’t need to be that hard does it?”

At some point the story will need to written about the lost “generation” of great American women’s workers – the ones who were born a decade too soon – and the primary focus will and should be on Sara Del Ray. She finally got the recognition she deserved by spearheading the WWE’s women’s revolution that will be 100% given to Stephanie McMahon.

God – this is motherfucking great as even the sports entertainy ending works in what they were going for. Lacey – realizing that she is tiny and can’t out muscle Del Ray – throws all the wacky submissions she can at Del Ray in constant attempt to wear down and neutralize Del Ray. Del Ray will get brief flurries that are hard hitting and way more than Lacey can handle if kept up for any sustained length.

But that is where the finish gets interesting. Del Ray Del Rays Up and hits Lacey with over a half a dozen close enough to Yakuza Kicks. Lacey shockingly kicks out and crawls to the corner in desperation. As Del Ray charges the corner – Lacey pulls the ref into the way and Del Ray flattens him. This works because you better damn well believe a bull rushing Del Ray could take out a puny indie ref. In the chaos – Rain hits the ring and jumps Del Ray because Lacey wasn’t going to take out Del Ray by herself. Del Ray kicks out at two as Nikki Roxx comes from the back and Alison Danger charges in from the announcers table to take care of Rain.

Now – this is the moment where I think it took the fork into fun finish as opposed to eye rolling finish. Normally – the now distracted Lacey would have been hit with the finish and we call it a day. What made this work was – Lacey slips out and hits a Lung Blower for ANOTHER two count. That one legit popped the crowd. They then go into a sequence with Lacey trying to hit the implant DDT, Del Ray countering each attempt but then Lacey constantly slipping out for another go around. Del Ray FINALLY catches Lacey with the Butterfly suplex and then a piledriver to become the first SHIMMER Champ.

And then – in 2007 – the crowd chants “You Deserve It!”. Yup.

~!~

TAELER HENDRIX vs. HOLLY BLOSSOM vs. HANNAH BLOSSOM vs. LEI’D TAPIA – OVW (9/18/13 – Ladder Match, OVW Women’s Title)

REASON ON WATCH LIST: I have watched this watch at least three times now. I am positive I have reviewed it each time yet I can’t find the reviews anywhere. Don’t get old kids. Anyway – I know it originally made my Watch Later list because I was trying to figure out what happened to the Blossom Twins and this came up. Of course – less than 24 hours after I reviewed it, it gets yanked from Youtube.

Man – when Taeler Hendrix doesn’t have the most infuriating name to spell in a match…

The reason we are having a ladder match for the vacant OVW Women’s Championship is because Trina Thompson had to vacate the title due to injury. The unofficial reason is we clearly need to do something to hide Tapia’s lack of wrestling ability. This was right at the end of the OVW/TNA partnership which explains why Christie Hemme is doing the ring announcing and partly why the match is stuffed with folks that TNA kinda sorta used (well except Hendrix who pretty much seemed to be OVW RIDE OR DIE~!)

The first chunk of the match is designed to showcase Tapia as a monster which is… something. I am sure whoever laid out the match had good intentions but scripting Tapia to wildly swing a ladder around was something that wasn’t thought out well. Also – a monster should probably learn that your selling should not consisting of just fixing one’s hair.

Every single fucking time – it takes me the entire match to figure out which Blossom is Hannah and which one is Holly. The announcers tell us that you can tell them apart by their eye shadow. Yeah – fuck you and the horse you rode in on. (For those that are going to watch the match – the “easiest” way to tell is that Hannah has a ribbon in her hair that is visible most of the time.)

AH-HA!!!! This is the moment when I always am positive I reviewed this match and published it before. Since Tapia takes a terrifying bump off the ladder and I was positive I wrote about it at the same time I was talking about all the crazy ass ladder bumps from the King of the Mountain matches. Here – the three other ladies in the match are preventing Tapia from climbing the ladder (Tapia is like three rungs up). Now – it is clear the spot is supposed to be knock ladder over, Tapia guillotines herself on the top rope. That is great in theory. In execution… ummm…. No. Tapia either slips, gets her foot caught, forgets to jump or just is plain not athletic enough but she comes nowhere near the top rope (which to be fair to her – the ladder was WAY too far away from to start with) and the bottom half of her body smashes against the prone ladder because she didn’t clear it. Man oh man – that could have gone sideways so much worse than it did. Tapia is actually lucky that she has some meat on her bones as her thighs take most of that horror.

This would also be a good time to point out that the ladder is now bent due to the previous spot. So it is all sorts of “fun” with the climbing the rest of the way. The finishing sequence is very… methodical is probably the nicest word I can use. Looooooonnnnnnnggggggggg climbing spots. Round one finishes with one of the Blossoms doing a pseudo Thesz Press onto Hendrix as she dove for the ladder. The reason for that was the ladder was comically out of position. Then it is awkward ladder placement time followed by looooonnnnnngggggg ladder climbing round two. The Blossoms are climbing on the same side of the ladder again. Tapia threatens to choke slam them both FOREVER. Hendrix jumps onto Tapia’s back and applies a sleeper. The creative spot would have been Tapia falling backwards to get them both off the ladder but I am thinking someone thought “Yeah – Tapia will kill her.” Long and the short of it – Tapia and Hendrix are both knocked off the ladder. Hannah Blossom does the dramatic looking at the title and looking at her sister moment before waffling Holly off and winning the title. Probably the best thing about the match was Hannah’s over the top celebration and Holly’s facial expressions over her sister’s actions.

~!~

HOP WOMAN HARDCORE MATCH (2014)

REASON ON WATCH LIST:I subscribed to this channel because it had a random hodge podge of indy wrestling. It also was filled with Russian wrestling. I made a joke before the last March Madness started that someone needed to research the indie Russian feds to tell me if I needed to include anyone. This match was one of the matches that was in my recommendation list and was what prompted me to make the joke. Also – the clip is only six and a half minutes. No issues with that length. Again though – freakishly quick after I finishing the review and stuff it in the secret hiding place – the entire channel gets turfed. Hmm…

No clue what is going on. Google translate is failing me… oh wait… maybe I should stop trying to translate from Spanish to English. I am a fool. This is either NFR or NDF or the Independent Wrestling Federation. Man – I might have been better off leaving everything in Russian. (Okay – based on some random links it appears that it is instead IWF Wrestling so that is what I am going with)

Holy Fuck – the rabbit hole I am now in. Why is Mickey Rourke being interviewed? How and why did they fly Raven in? JOHNNY FUCKING GARGANO?!?!?!?!?! I might have stumbled onto a straight to DVD sequel to XXX if it only focused on the Anarchy 99 parts.

I am gonna speak frankly with you – I keep going and I might truly figure out who these two women are but I really really want to make this joke and actual research will kill it so can we all agree that you will let me have this moment… or at least maybe wait like 30 minutes before raining on my parade?

RUSSIAN BETH PHOENIX vs. SEXY MASATO YAKUSHIJI
Russian Beth Phoenix is probably closer to looking like LuFisto than Beth Phoenix but Phoenix was the first name that came to mind when I saw the blonde hair and pink flame pants. Sexy Yakashiji is probably closer to Sexy Red Power Ranger but Sexy Yakushiji is funnier.

They start by battling over a pipe (which we can see is really just a carbon tube painted silver but lose yourself in the mystery). This somehow leads to Yakushiji using a fake spider (or other fake arachnid) to transition to offense. I liked that. I am a simple man. Back and forth we go – Yakushiji eats a suplex to the floor but blocks Phoenix’s attempt to use an empty water cooler as a weapon. How does she do this? I am glad you asked. She flings the maybe 100 lb dude ref straight into Phoenix with Phoenix eating his full weight and flying back into the ropes at the same time. Yeah – our barely trained ladies in a Hardcore match takes on a new meaning in Russia.

They show a replay and suddenly Yakushiji has placed a piece of wood in the corner (this make may be clipped. It’s probably more just poorly edited but maybe we missed something.) Phoenix immediately counters and basically chucks Yakushiji through the balsa wood with what passes for a Death Valley Driver.

Oh yeah – no selling necessary in this match. This following sequence takes 80 seconds and starts IMMEDIATELY after the DVD through the wood
•    Yakushiji hits a boot to Phoenix stomach
•    Phoenix reverses Irish whip and gets a back drop
•    Phoenix leg drop gets two.
•    Yakushiji immediately pops up and hits a top rope frankensteiner.
•    Yakushiji picks up Phoenix and Irish Whips her which is of course reversed into a hip toss
•    Phoenix does want is supposed to be a tornado DDT but she slips on the ropes so it ends up being a tornado stunner. She goes for the cover and Yakushiji easily rolls the shoulder at 2.

Whew….

A groggy Yakushiji gets up and is conversing with the ref as the next spot is blatantly set up. What is that spot? I am glad you asked. Phoenix comes off with a Missile Dropkick (sorry the camera doesn’t show her head so I can’t report on her facial expression) and Yakushiji yanks the ref in the way. And the ref motherfucking EATS this dropkick. That really popped the crowd and I can’t explain my laughter.

Everyone stands around for a few seconds when Phoenix what appears to be her finisher (a reverse Russian leg sweep – how fitting). A lady in a red velvet dress slides in and makes the three count and the video ends.

Anyway – this is really better than it had any right to be.

~!~
FOUND WAS LOST
WCW SATURDAY NIGHT (10/10/98)
~!~

Posted 10/10/98

CULT OF WCWSN!: FIT FINLAY~! BEATS THE sweet merciful CRAP OUT OF JOHNNY SWINGER! GOD BLESS WCW! WOO-HOO!

ALOHA~!

I beat mdb!

The hoary Netherworld of WCW – the place where actual wrestling matches take place, has definitely been totally relocated from WorldWide to WCWSN- except it can be semi-episodic on SN.  I’m first up BABY!

RAVEN/KANYON vs. SCOTT & STEVE ARMSTRONG
The Armstrongs are on a big roll as they have been one of the better tag teams in North America the last few months as they have carried everybody they have needed to be carried and have been hanging with the actual workers when need be- like tonight.  People are finding reasons to dislike Kanyon since he started in with the Dynamic Micwork- I don’t understand it.  He’s a good worker and a good worker is a good worker. It’s like those people who think that Juventud is getting boring just because he’s been having a lot of really great matches where he is getting other guys way over before he pins them and he is also selling better than anyone in the US. Golly, GOOD WRESTLING, now THAT’S boring.

The godlike Alex Wright is right, US fans are really stupid.  Even on the internet.  This was good little match as Kanyon sold as Heel in Peril long after his sinister tag to fellow heel Raven; Raven and Kanyon aren’t afraid to sell and bump for anyone as the ending got cool and booked without getting screwy.  Mark Curtis should take inspiration from Scott Armstrong.  My friend told me that Scott Armstrong beat cancer a while back and is at the top of his game now.  Get well soon, Mr. Hildebrand.  According to everyone who I know who knows you, being the best referee in the world who loves the wrestling business more than anything is the LEAST of your many, many good and decent qualities.

CHAVITO GUERRERO (Chavo Guerrero Jr.) vs. MIKE SANDERS
Chavo hits the sweetest Swinging DDT ever (according to my INSIDE SOURCES – Phil Schneider on the phone a few weeks back – a Tornado DDT is when you run up the ropes for the DDT and Swinging DDT is from a sitting position, and – DARN IT- I believe him.) and give credit to the Mike the Man Who Will Lose for leaning into it like a total MAN.  Speaking of the youngster Guerrero, I’m here to gloat.  I WAS THE FIRST ONE ON THE CHAVO BANDWAGON back at the first Liger match way back when!  WOO-HOO! I RULE! He needs to lose the horse and start the first big feud with the Latino World Order. Pepe gets the win. Chavo is on the way to being a 1998 WCW success story.  He’s about three great matches from being way over.  Alex Wright is EXACTLY one breakthrough match away (and Fit is the man.)

Alex Wright is the best heel in the United States.  He speaks for me and all of us.  The USA is full of stupid people and they all sit next to you and me at wrestling matches and Alex is just stating the obvious. YOU GO BOY!  Poor Bulldog has to follow that and he gets smoked on “the Stick” and in “the Ring” later.  I think it’s STARTING to drag Smith out his extended doldrums as they seem to be getting Bulldog into position to wrestle his way over.  I think that- even though Wright is beginning to reach the height of his ability in the ring and is becoming an upper echelon worker in WCW- there’s not enough left of Bulldog’s ravaged body. Either way, I await Finlay vs Wright more than I’ve awaited anything since Benoit vs Finlay. THAT’S gonna fukkin RULE.

FIT FINLAY vs. JOHNNY SWINGER
JIMINY FRICKIN CHRISTMAS!  Fit Finlay beat the holy pooooo out of Johnny Swinger and I GOT TO WATCH!  A little back history – I started getting irritated with this Swinger guy when he was going over all the Toryu-Mon UD disciples when he faced them on WorldWide.  I let it go because – Hell- the Groupo guys were rookies and Swinger ain’t the booker so why get all worked up.  I did get mad when Swinger TOTALLY pussed out of catching Magnum Tokyo when Magnum hit his SWANK Toperope Asai Moonsault and Swinger basically ducked it because he couldn’t figure out where he was in relation to the ring platform and Magnum almost got killed.  So to heck this clown, let Finlay kill him  and let me watch – and me and Swinger – as wrestler and fan – can start over with a clean slate.  The slate was clean when Finlay laid in the forearm that caved in Swingers chest ONE SECOND IN.  This was followed by the usual Finlay MOUNTAINS OF TRUE GRAPPLING BEAUTY: Elbow across the nose, Unprotected bodyslam, the I HATE YOU kick to the back, Throat Across the Guardrail, World’s Stiffest Short Clotheslines, A FRICKIN STAN HANSENESQUE AWA ELBOW DROP,  PLUS the added greatness of Point To The Nose and then Cave in the FACE spot – which was POSSIBLY the GREATEST MOMENT IN WRESTLING HISTORY. Professionalism kicks in for some reason as Finlay sells for Swinger for whatever reason before ending this total Bear Mauling.  David Fit Finlay is a MOTHERFUCKING WRESTLING GOD.  He and Chris Benoit work at a level of stiffness so high that it makes everybody else look like a big batch of pussies.  The thing I’ve noticed about Finlay in these kinda matches is that there are two matches that key to understanding the mindset of Finlay in these deals – Barry Houston tried to match stiffness with Finlay and Finlay admired his spunk and made Houston look great while beating the hell out of him.  On the other hand, Finlay looked visibly irritated by Lorenzo for being such a powdered assed pansy and decided to beat the motherloving hell out of him.  WELCOME TO THE LORENZO ZONE, young Mr Swinger. This was freakin GREAT.

NICK DINSMORE vs. STEVIE RAY
This match was a big wad of nothing but I wanna be the first one to nominate Nick Dinsmore to WCWSN Godhead, because he is the new Barry Houston AT LEAST and could be the next guy the drag up to Cruiserweight division.

MIKE TOLBERT vs. VAN HAMMER
Dude Hammer.  I’m gonna watch this real time?  Don’t be tripping, man.

RICK STEINER vs. AL GREEN
I was talking to Phil Schneider while this was on and we were singing Al Green songs to kill time while this was on. Phil made some really great joke about Al Green – the current preacher in Memphis, not the better half of the Master Blasters – finding the Lord after a jealous woman threw hot grits at him and badly burned his testicles.  I can’t remember it now, but it had something to do with Rick Steiner and it was really great.  I can’t remember it now.  And I’ve erased this match from my tape and my mind.  Let’s call the whole thing off.

JERRY FLYNN vs. RICK FULLER
Talk about being WorldWidesque in scope – as two WCW underbelly wrestlers going at it.  Jerry Flynn’s Savio kick was waaay WEAK but the rest of this was good.  Fuller can work and he works sufficiently stiff- thus making him a better worker than EVERYBODY in the nWo who isn’t Bret Hart and who isn’t in nWo Japan.  Fuller does a lot of moves that Finlay did earlier, but not nearly as stiffly, but the desire to imitate the master was there.  Homage to Finlay and the fact that Fuller sold a fucking Cross-Armbreaker like a FUCKING CROSS-ARMBREAKER yadda yada yadda…

These are too lovable.  I even forgive the HeartPunch VARIATION(?!?!)

KAZ HAYASHI vs. ERNEST “THE SHAT” MILLER
Our worst fears realized.  En Lieu of Kaz vs Kidman in a four star affair every week for a while, we get the Jackie Chan Befriends Kaz Hayashi against Miller angle. If they get a big rub off Chan’s star onto Kaz, I’ll eat my words and profess WCW as a batch of geniuses but let’s face facts: This is gonna SUCK.  It already sucks.  There you go.

ALEX WRIGHT vs. DAVEY BOY SMITH
Alex is ELECTRIC on “the Stick” AGAIN and Davey can’t keep up on the ring. AGAIN!  I don’t know if DBS remembers how to work without someone named Hart or Vader in with him.  If he is to be wildly resurgent, these would be the matches.  Nada so far.

Overall:  4 out 9 is batting… uh..uh… I got a degree in Political Science.  Alex on the mic should get some consideration, but homey don’t play that.  I heart weekend WCW.

DAMIEN~!
Dean Rasmussen, Juventudiac~!

~!~
SINGLES GOING STEADY
~!~

REVERSE CAGE BATTLE ROYAL – TRI-STATE WRESTLING ALLIANCE “AUTUMN ARMAGEDDON” (09/15/90 – #1 Contenders Match)
(by PHIL RIPPA)

So many thoughts that won’t coalesce into a coherent narrative so I am just gonna shotgun them out.

I am old and I have seen some things. Problem is, my general inclination is that everyone is old and has seen some things. Where my struggle is is do I need to really explain what TWA was? This is mainly because I truly think that only OSJ and Pieman still read us. However, if the board demographics are to be believed, there is section of you that became fans during the Attitude era (or, oof… later) and y’all need to get the fuck off my lawn. TWA was Tri-State Alliance run by Joel Goodhart (TWA was also a major airline founded by Howard Hughes and holy fuck could someone smarter than me write a piece regarding the similarities of both companies before they both crashed and burned and Holy Fuck was that a bad metaphor to use considering TWA Flight 800. Moving on….). Why is Tri-State an important historical piece for those Attitude era or later fans? TWA begat Eastern Championship Wrestling. Eastern Championship Wrestling begat ECW. Or more simply – Joel Goodhart -> Tod Gordon -> Paul Heyman.

These cards where wacky and were the type that when looking through a Lynch list, one would be all THIS IS THE GREATEST LOOKING SHIT EVER!!!! Just for example – the rest of the Autumn Armageddon card that this match took place.
•    Eddie Gilbert vs Cactus Jack (This might have been their only non-gimmicked Tri-State match)
•    Sandman vs. JT Smith (Yes, THAT Sandman doing his non-Sandman gimmick)
•    Adrian Street vs. Jimmy Valiant
•    DC Drake vs. Rockin’ Rebel – For Vacant TWA Title (Great, Rebel is working twice…)
•    Tony Stetson vs. Johnny Hotbody – Hair Match
•    Kevin Von Erich/Chris Adams vs. Al Perez/Austin Idol
•    Manny Fernandez vs. Abdullah the Butcher
•    Jerry Lawler vs. Terry Funk

Trust me – leave this card on paper. Unless a double countout, a double DQ and a regular DQ are your prefer method of booking main event matches.

Aside from the whole eventually morphing into ECW – I would say the thing Tri-State is most known for is the Gilbert/Jack series. Which reminds me of the time where Gilbert and Jack agreed to do a bloody brawl (I don’t remember which match specifically it was) but they only agreed to do it if there was no other blood on the show. That seems like a reasonable request. Except Joel Goodhart was a crazy person (if being a wrestling money mark didn’t give that part away) and OPENED THE GOD DAMN CARD with a Last Blood Battle Royal (This was the same card that had that Owen Hart/Takayuki Iizuka match for… reasons. God I love nonsensical shit like this.).

The Apter mags LOVED Tri-State. You can play Where’s Waldo will Bill Apter in the various footage that floats around. That means it was one of those feds during my childhood that I always was all “Well this is just batshit crazy” when reading about. That in turn lead to me trying to find footage of it in my early tape trading days. I mean who didn’t want to see Larry Winters pinned against a pillar? Like ECW itself – this doesn’t age well.

I am lazy for not wanting to sit through the nearly TEN MINUTES they spend introducing the wrestlers in the match. The internet is lazy for not doing so either and then just cutting and pasting this one random write-up. “Rockin Rebel won a “reverse cage battle royal.” Also in the match were Bounty Hunter, Cheetah Kid, Crybaby Waldo, Ghetto Blaster, Ron Shaw, Top Gun, Triton, Larry Winters, and eleven others.” It’s like they were compiling a PWI 500 and those where the guys willing to pay to have their names listed. The full list of competitors is: Michael “Hitman” Bruno, Chris Candido, Cheetah Kid, Ghetto Blaster, Pappy, Johnny Hotbody, Jimmy Jannetty, Nighthawk, Glen Osbourne, John Osbourne, Rockin’ Rebel, CN Redd, Mr. Sandman, Ron Shaw, JT Smith, Tony “Hitman” Stetson, Tahitian Savage, Triton, Top Gun, Crybaby Waldo, and Larry Winters. But let’s not mention Candido, Smith or Sandman. Oh Spoiler Alert I guess about Rebel winning.

I have spent far too long trying to figure out if this is the same Cheetah Kid I saw on all those ECWA shows in the late 90s/early 00s. I mean by first glance, no, since the one I saw was a roided out Tarzan and this one is a guy in sneakers and a Black Tiger mask that clearly was bought from Mike Bochicchio. (See motherfuckers – I am so old I predate Highspots.) But the Glen Osbourne that comes out is also the version that I am used to so I am just gonna believe everyone is the same. It makes me happier.

If I am going to write a positive about the actual match is that the brawling is far better than it had any right to be. A few guys were all too giddy to crash into guard rails as hard as they could. Why yes… one of them was JT Smith. How did you ever guess? And the psychology and lay out of this was far far better than the time TNA ran a reverse battle royal. Here is the rub though. This is 1990. You are running what amounts to a massive brawl on an indie show where 90% of the crowd (who theoretically are the only ones who are going to see it) can’t follow the action. Fuck – I am watching the action and I can’t follow everything. Granted, the person who edited the DVD had their work cut out for them trying to piece together everything. Guys were brawling on all four sides of the ring at all times. The hard cam wasn’t wide enough to show the full width of the cage so I more than one occasion a guy trying to climb the cage was only half seen and there is only one full running around with the handheld trying to get the action on the floor. And we aren’t even factoring in the over 25 year taped on VHS video quality. SOMEONE PUT THIS ON VINYL!!!! (That’s what the kids are doing nowadays right?)

All of this has lasted longer than the actual match so let me tell you about the finish. Rockin’ Rebel beats Larry Winters over the cage and into the ring by like a hair. Winters jumps Rebel (which may or may not be a heel turn – as much anyone would really be considered a heel for beating the shit out of Rebel). A classic lock a guy in a cage and beat him down. Rebel blades because of course he does. Eventually, Cheetah Kid dives off the top of the cage onto Winters to make the save. Everyone then proceeds to pour into the cage to continue brawling. Wait… What??? Why the fuck did Kid decide to nearly kill himself going over the cage if the door was open the entire time? And cocaine is not an acceptable answer. So now everyone is brawling and we get the reason that this whole exercise was worth it. Sandman – again, yes THAT Sandman – decides he too needs to kamikaze off the top of the cage too. Unfortunately for him (but not us), whoever he was aiming for didn’t know Sandman was aiming for him and just meanders away so Sandman just eats the canvas so hard. God – if I am not lazy before I post this, I will figure out a way to GIF that.

Well thanks coming folks. Save has been made, show’s over…. Umm…. Guys where are you going? None of you have actually stopped Winters from beating on Rebel (again – this isn’t that too far-fetched that everyone just wants to see Rebel get his). The ring is empty again. Winters hits a piledriver on Rebel and gets a visual pinfall. Rebel immediately gets up and makes his own save. DAMN YOU NEW JAPAN STYLE FOR RUINING WRESTLING… IN PHILADELPHIA…. IN 1990!!!!

Rebel and Winters cut promos on each other while everyone else is STILL brawling. If you ever wondered where Heyman.

By the way, this was the THIRD video of this issue that got pulled from YouTube within a day of me writing a review. Clearly, I am being monitored. And if I am being monitored, I probably should put some pants on.

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PRESTON QUINN vs. “MEMPHO MOFO” MARK BRAVURA – FUSION WRESTLING (03/15/14 – Texas Death Match)
(by PHIL RIPPA)

The number of guys I will watch wrestle for a hour I can count on one hand. Fortunately, Preston Quinn is one of those people. That’s right fuckers – this Texas Death Match lasts nearly an hour because it can.

If this is just gonna be a hour of Preston Quinn throwing punches I am totally down… and throwing my pants off the balcony.

I see you Dave Layne.

Extended Cobra Clutch sequence which one would assume is leading to the first fall. Okay – there we go. Quinn knocks Mofo out. I always like the guy fights a submission including spilling out to the floor but the other guy doesn’t release it spot.

Okay – we are doing the 30 second break before the 10 count rule. That will extend this puppy out. Mofo in fact is up before the 30 second break is over. I am going say he let his arm drop the three times to get the forced break since he couldn’t get out of the hold. At least – that is the story I am creating in my head. Whether that is what they were going for ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Mofo reverses a choke slam into a sleeper. Quinn fights out before the arm drops for a third time and starts to transition… whoops.. nope eats a clothesline. Nevermind.

God I am digging this. This is old school as a mug.

Second Cobra Clutch sequence is also awesome and leads to the second fall. Quinn applies the Cobra Clutch again. This time Mofo is able to use the ring post to break the hold. He then Yakuza Kicks the fuck out of Quinn against the ring post and it is great. Quinn is also up right about the end of the 30 second break himself.

Oh yeah – the tiny ceiling means Mofo totally has to duck diving off of it and I can’t stop giggling.

Mofo’s strikes aren’t bad either. That is what happens when you work Quinn 2 trillion times.

The kids are all about supporting Quinn and trying to will his comeback and 20 minutes in – I am all fucking in on this match.

SPEAR~! Okay that was great. Quinn’s hop spot is a spear Roman Reigns wishes he threw. But Mofo is able to survive and drill another Yakuza Kick and I am so backing Mark Brauvara’s play of being a 21st century Masa Chono. (The kick only got a two count BTW).

I could also watch Preston Quinn drop top rope elbow drops for an hour too.

Quinn – wrestling as the beefiest Arn Anderson ever – hits a spinebuster for his 2nd fall of the match. Mofo staggers up at the count of 3.

30 minutes and Mofo eats a brainbuster. Yeah… that should be the match. Turn out the lights. The party’s over. Oh man – Mofo drags his corpse up at the count of 4. He also avoids a charging Quinn who crashes to the floor.
I am digging Mofo starting to take advantage of the No DQ rules – which they hadn’t really used yet – to survive.
FUCK YES! They play off a previous fall again as Quinn goes for the elbow drop again but this time Mofo gets the knees up. Mofo than starts destroying PQ’s knee. So fucking good…

I am so mad at all you fuckers right now for not telling me about this match. I am searching Segunda Caida because they would be the people most directly responsible for me not knowing about it. I see a whole lotta PQ matches but not this. I am pretty sure Phil didn’t watch this because he thinks Mark Brauvara sucks. Yup – he is very wrong about that.

So many destroyed knees. I kinda like that it is dueling figure four leg locks but no one is submitting.

45 minutes in and there are fans now rooting for Mofo. Clearly this is John Cena’s fault.

YES!!!! TEASE A PILEDRIVER TO THE FLOOR!!!! VIRGINIA IS CLOSE ENOUGH TO NORTH CAROLINA!!!! SOUTHERN WRESTLING BITCHES!!!

Mofo is now doing his weirdo reverse figure four Mofo-Lock around the ring post and it looks stupid and so totally fucking works. PRESTON QUINN HAS PASSED OUT!!! You, gentle reader, are so going to love this match. Quinn awakens and stumble and bumbles his way (all while selling his destroyed leg) up at about 9 ¾.

Mofo now decides that drastic measures are required. He literally takes apart the ring and chokes out PQ with the top rope. I am not making that part up. Quinn survives.

It is a little goofy now as we are building spots around choking each other with the top rope. I appreciate the effort but it is hokey. Anyhoo – this time is it Mofo who can barely survive the count.

Well now – Quinn takes the metal part of the turnbuckle and waffles Mofo with it so here is your blood like an hour in. Mofo does a desperation low blow. We are into the hardcore match portion now. Chairs are being brought out. Mofo goes for a concerto… but then doesn’t do so here comes the story telling kid.

Quinn is just crushing Mofo with piledrivers and Mofo – with a bloody towel stuck to his face – keeps dragging his carcass up. THE MEGA-MOFO PUSH HAS BEGUN!!! Quinn is yelling at Mofo to stay down and Mofo keeps firing back but of course has no power with the shots. So Quinn – almost reluctantly – power bombs Mofo through the announcers table for the win.

Just that sequence alone was spectacular as the crowd popped huge for the biggest spot of the match but then immediately you had kids screaming GET UP MOFO!!! too.

From bell to bell – I think the match went 58 minutes and totally didn’t feel like it. You also get five minutes of Preston Quinn realizing he might have gone too far and Mofo being out cold the entire time. If we were doing a 500 when I watched this, Quinn would have been Top 5, Mofo would have been in the Top 150 and I would be screaming how this was the greatest Last Man Standing match ever. PRO WRESTLING MOTHERFUCKERS!!!!

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SKY MAN vs. SATURNO – CARA LUCHA (03/03/17 – Muchas Luchas Champ)
(by PHIL RIPPA)

Almost as if I have to read the legal disclaimer on any commercial here is your quick info. Sky Man is your current Muchas Luchas Champ. He even has Muchas Luchas on his tights and I kinda hope that the tights go from champ to champ too. Saturno is in a slimming all black and is sans shirt.

I have many questions:

1) Is Saturno actually a unique luchador? Or what I should say is are we sure he isn’t someone else really great just working under a different mask because they don’t want to let anyone catch on? Like Mascara Dorado tapes his Main Event match and then ducks off to Guadalajara for an extra payday.

2) Is Saturno Amish? That is the best reason I can think of why it seems like he NEVER appears on camera albeit like once a year. So clearly he is slowly having his soul stolen.

3) Who fucked whose girlfriend? Man oh man is there so much hate flowing. And it is the lucha hate where first they try to kill each with the aerial stuff and then they just decide to say fuck it and start ripping masks and punching each other a lot.

4) Why do both guys hate their hips?

5) When did the Back Stabber become the Mexican Pedigree? Far too many fucking guys do it.

Be on the lookout for a variety of things. I think for me – my favorite was when Saturno does this crazy ass middle rope tope where he spikes himself and Sky Man and why they are both dead a woman just calmly walks back and takes her seat because that is how do it in Arena San Juan.

Or perhaps it is Saturno’s blind Sky Twister Press to the floor that is my favorite. No sane human being should be doing that.

Sky man does a Pele Kick spot that AJ Styles should really steal.

Editor’s Note: It was at this point in the review that I feel asleep. I legit thought I wrote more but who knows where it went. Don’t get old kids.

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ANDRE THE GIANT/MIGHTY INOUE vs. CACTUS JACK/TEXAS TERMINATOR HOSS – ALL JAPAN (04/05/91)
(by PHIL RIPPA)

Eric over at Segunda Caida tweeted out recently wondering who the most random guy to work one of the All Japan (or NOAH) tours during the heyday was. If I’m not too lazy, I will find the tweet to try and explain since my memory is shit and I want to recall the specifics. (Especially the guys I mentioned in my replies to Eric. I do know I joked “Vampiro” because, seriously, Fuck Vampiro.)

This is my long winded way of saying that even if it doesn’t fit the parameters – Terminator Hoss is my new answer (Ok outside the weirdo Harley Race guys.)

Terminator Hoss is best known as being one-half of the Colossal Kongs in WCW (He was Krusher Kong and teamed with the XY chromosomed Awesome Kong.) Scott Thompson can also lay claim to being the alive member of the Kongs as Dwayne McCollough passed away in 2002. I feel the need to have this clarification for death pool related reasons.

Hoss lived up to his moniker in terms of girth but not the wrestling. Buy Hey! If you are fat and Texan you can be in a Champions Carnival. God Bless Baba and his biases. Yes, you read that right, Hoss was in the 1991 Champions Carnival (So was Foley for that matter. That’s where that match vs. Jumbo that was reviewed in DVDVR #171 came from.)

EVEN better Jack had zero points as he was the sacrificial lamb in Block B. How many points did the Texas Terminator have in Block A? TWO! Who did he beat? Johnny Ace! (Who had zero points. Suck it Dynamic Dude!)
This match was from that tour and features the almost dead but not yet on this tour Andre. All stages of Andre are my favorite but he clearly wasn’t in this match to do anything other than to drop the elbow that got the win. At least he didn’t have to use the ropes to drop it.

Mighty Inoue continues to be a guy who is really tiny for someone billing themselves as “Mighty”. He is by far the smallest guy in the ring – though to be fair, that is another testament to have sneaky big Mick Foley was. Anyway, Inoue is here to work most of the match with Jack; who runs through his usual “young fella trying to get noticed” spots (ex: the backdrop onto the exposed ring floor after pulling up the mats). Hoss does an awkward power slam and stays out of the way. The Two Point Texas Terminator knows his place.

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